- Nicola Prentice says if a man’s online dating profile says he’s not monogamous, it’s a green light.
- She finds these men honest and good at communicating.
- Prentiss found that dating a non-monogamous man raised the bar for what a successful relationship should be.
The first time I dated a non-monogamous man was in 2012. That lasted a year and a half, then I met someone else and moved into a more traditional monogamous relationship, which lasted five years.
In retrospect, those early relationships were definitely the healthiest I’ve ever had.
Contrary to what some people think about non-monogamy, it’s not just about sex. It turns out that open relationships only work if they are based on complete trust, honesty and great communication.
These are all important qualities that I look for in a partner. So when I recently decided to give dating apps another try, I decided to actively look for “non-monogamy” when scrolling through online dating profiles.
Two years ago, Hinge, the app I’m trying out, added a feature that allowed users to specify “relationship types” in their profiles, making them easier to find. Options include “monogamous,” “non-monogamous,” or “understand your relationship type.”
Non-monogamous men are more honest
Men who state their preferred relationship type is non-monogamous will probably drive away a lot of women, but I still see it as brave and uncompromising for them to choose to write that. I am. Basically, they don’t just tell you what they think you want to hear.
When I see “non-monogamous,” I’m sure I’ll meet someone who is transparent, as long as they have a real photo on their profile and aren’t hiding something. For those who have a partner, it turns out that not only does she know that he uses dating apps, but he also goes on regular dates.
I’m not interested in profiles that have multiple options listed. If you read between the lines, to me it just means, “I’m playing the field, so don’t hold me back.” They also probably don’t feel comfortable with you being around other people.
One such man, who has been divorced for more than a decade, asked me how my dating life was during the five years I was single. I answered honestly that I had rekindled some old relationships and deepened long-standing friendships.
His answer was: “What happens when I have men like this around me?” If I had shared less and told him that I had been “figuring out my relationship type” for five years, what would he have said? I wondered if I had said that.
People who choose to be “non-monogamous” are usually making very well-thought-out and difficult choices about how they want to live their lives. It takes courage to be transparent and honest about it, even though it drastically narrows your dating horizon.
they have better communication skills
We found that these men were generally open about their feelings and intentions. They know that trust is not limited to sexual chastity. It’s about making someone feel safe, communicating a problem before it explodes, and following up your words with action.
They were also good at communicating their plans, which I thought was rare in the dating world where you never know when a guy might want to see me again. My partner in 2012 and I would plan our next date at the end of every date. I always felt valued and safe.
Juggling multiple people means you need to be good at time management, so having a concrete plan is key. However, it’s not just written in a diary; I feel that the non-monogamous men I’ve dated so far value relationships. They learned that if you want to share something special, you can’t let things become stale or be silenced. That’s right, I said special rather than unique, but that’s not quite the same.
It’s not just about sex
It turns out that non-monogamous men have an abundance mindset rather than a scarcity mindset when it comes to sex. There’s no need to hoard, chase, or pressure. For monogamous men, unless they cheat, you’re the only one who can give them what they want, so there’s more potential for deprivation and therefore pressure.
I recently tested this on some first dates. Once with a non-monogamous man and once with a monogamous man to get a profile of my relationship style. In the evening, I told them that over the past five years, the average time between sleeping with a man has been 12 years.
Monogamous men physically took a step back — actually took a step back.
“It’s not going to last another 12 years, damn it,” he said. His overall atmosphere was somewhat unpleasant. He quickly disappeared.
A non-monogamous man? He understood it immediately.
“Oh, it’s a matter of trust,” he said.
“That’s right!” I thought I heard it a lot. After that, the conversation naturally moved on to other topics without any problems.
The second time we met, I asked him about his reaction. “You were describing what it was like,” he said, demonstrating once again how he could have simply listened to me instead of threatening the possibility of sex. . A third date is scheduled.
So far, I’ve never really been in an open relationship and have only dated non-monogamous men during my single years. But they certainly taught me to expect more than just monogamy in a relationship.
Do you have a personal essay about dating that you would like to share? Contact the editor: akarplus@businessinsider.com.